Category Archives: grief

Grief: Coping with the Loss of Your Loved One

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The best way I can describe my experience with grief is feeling like I am stuck in a dark void of silence. On the inside, I can feel myself screaming, but no one can hear me. I have found that loss can be lonely even when you’re in a crowded room surrounded by others. You may get lost in your thoughts and lose track of time until you are reminded of the harsh truth that grief has invaded every fiber of your being. Grief can also upset our sense of time and reality. You may even find yourself ruminating on two aspects of time, before your loss and after. The before is filled with happiness, memories, and a sense of belonging. The after may feel like a lonely place that causes you to second-guess every aspect of your life. If you are struggling with your after, this message is for you.

Grieve in your own way

Everyone handles their grief differently and it is important that you deal with your feelings in your own way. There is no timeline or roadmap for how grief should affect you. It is normal to feel lost or even numb. The numbness scares many people because they fear that something is wrong with them or that their loss broke them. However, numbness after loss, though scary, is actually a common experience. It is your mind’s way of defending your body from the immeasurable pain you are dealing with. This is why it is important to take grief day by day. Do not force yourself to feel a certain way or condemn yourself for how you are choosing to deal with your grief. Others may not understand, but they don’t have to.

Reach out for support

When you lose a loved one, it is natural to feel like you need to deal with your feelings on your own. Though it is important to take time for yourself, don’t get stuck there. Isolating yourself from the world only makes your return to daily life more difficult. It is helpful to talk to others who have gone through loss because their experiences can bring you comfort. Many find solace in grief counseling or bereavement groups. There are different forms of bereavement groups and it is helpful to find one that pertains to your circumstances. Some specialized groups are for those mourning the loss of a spouse, child, or parent, to name a few. When you connect with others who share your pain, you find a whole new level of healing. Many know the agony of loss and can deeply relate to what you are going through. This gives you the freedom to simply be.

Find a routine

During times of loss, keeping a routine helps to recover some sense of stability in your life. You may not feel like doing anything, and that is okay, but eventually you can find healing. When that day comes, it is helpful to have an established plan to help you keep moving. One day, you will look back and realize that going through the motions of your routine is what saved you. When an immeasurable loss is experienced, it is common for people to experience depression. You may not feel like getting out of bed or even eating, but it is important to take care of yourself during these times. You may be asking yourself, “What’s the point?” And if so, you are not alone. Many struggle to pick up the pieces after loss, but it is possible.

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Roll with the waves

As a person who has experienced grief, I can honestly tell you that it comes in waves. This is a common experience for those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. Some days it feels like the waves are crashing over you and you can’t catch your breath. Other days it feels like the tide is slowly ebbing and flowing and your pain subsides to a dull ache felt in the background of life. These are the days when grief seems manageable and you may even feel like you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t become discouraged when the high tide of pain returns. This is a normal process and your experiences will vary from day to day. It is important to acknowledge where you are and feel the pain. This gives the mind and body permission to heal at their own pace.

Next Steps

If you are struggling to find your new normal and need help navigating the loss of a loved one, we have a team of highly trained therapists who can guide you through your journey. Grief can be lonely, and it is easy to feel like others don’t understand, but we pride ourselves on being transparent and compassionate.We want you to know that you don’t have to face this alone. Whether you are interested in learning skills to cope with your pain, seeking help in processing your complex grief, or simply want to understand your feelings, we are here to help. We provide a comforting environment where you can feel free to express all of your feelings, even the ones that you are afraid or ashamed to acknowledge. If you are ready to learn how to navigate your grief with a personalized counseling experience then we are here for you. Our team of compassionate therapists will walk WITH you through this season and stay by your side through this difficult time. The next step is to invite us in by calling (405)-921-7776 learn more about how we can help.

How to Address Grief in Children

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It is no secret that grief is one of the most challenging obstacles a person can face. It is completely normal that you would want to guard your child’s heart from the pain and heartbreak it brings. Even though your intentions are out of love, it can be harmful acting as if the event never happened or thinking that your child will be unaffected.

It is important to acknowledge that your child is a person like you or me. They experience emotions such as sadness, confusion, and denial. Validating these emotions is a healthy way to help your child cope with a life-changing event. A couple ways you can do this is by being honest with your child, being a safe place for them to ask questions, and helping them keep to normal routines.

Honesty

Being honest with your child is an important step to their grieving process. There are moments where you might think telling a lie would protect them, but the truth will be revealed to them at some point. You want the truth of the situation to be given to them by someone that they love and trust. Depending on the age of your child, not all details need to be revealed at the time of the event. A common Rule of thumb: if they are asking the question, then they are old enough to know the answer. Also, don’t be afraid to express your emotions in front of your child. It validates to them that being sad or upset is okay and it gives them permission to grieve as well.

Open to Questions

Depending on the age of your child it is common that they will have questions concerning the situation. This might be difficult for you because in certain moments it will be hard for you to discuss what happened. However, you being a safe place for them can make a huge difference in their healing. Reassuring your child’s safety lets them know that they will be okay and so will the people they care about. Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation because your child might not know how to bring up the topic. On the other hand, don’t force a conversation that your child doesn’t want to have. And make an effort to approach these conversations and questions with empathy and age appropriate levels that are right for your unique child.

Stick to Routines

After experiencing a traumatic event, it can be easy to disregard the routines that were once a part of your daily life. This could be making your bed, going to the gym, or making dinner for your family. It can be difficult to do these things when every part of you is fighting against them. Keeping a routine during your grieving process can help your child feel a sense of normalcy and structure even when their lives feel in a million pieces. For example, making sure your child is still involved in their after school activities.

Most importantly, be kind and patient with yourself. Daily routines will not immediately fall back into place, but structure can bring a little more stability in the midst of heartbreak.

Counseling

If you or your child is grieving, we would love to walk alongside you as you heal and start to understand a life without the person or thing you have lost. You can reach us at (405) 921-7776 or learn more click here to learn more about grief counseling. We look forward to hearing from you soon!

What You Should NOT Say to Someone Grieving?

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What You Should NOT Say to Someone Grieving?

If you are watching someone experience the horrible effects of grief, you might be having a difficult time finding the best ways to support them.  I’m guessing that you feel pressure to say the right words or feel as though you have to give them immediate relief.

Finding the “right words” in these scenarios does not usually come naturally and can be very uncomfortable for most people.  In hopes to best comfort the person grieving in your life,  this blog will go over 4 different areas that should be avoided when speaking to a friend or loved one.

Sugar Coating the Situation

Attempting to have a person look at the bright side of their circumstance is common when trying to comfort them, but doing this can be extremely invalidating to their feelings.  It tells a grieving person that they cannot be upset about their situation because it could be worse. Here are a few statements that should be avoided:

  • At least statements
  • “It could be worse”
  • “Life will go on”
  • Reminding them that they have things to be grateful for
  • “They are in a better place”

Making it About Yourself

Don’t make it about yourself when talking with someone who is grieving.  Everyone’s situation is unique and nobody grieves the exact same way.  It can be very easy to do this because as humans that’s how we feel most comfortable.  For example if your friend just lost her mother, it could be tempting to say ‘I know how you are feeling because when I lost my grandpa I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks.’

Even though you are trying to relate to their pain, this can come off as a dismissal of what they are going through. Try to keep the conversation about them or the person they have lost.

Giving Vague Support

When trying to support someone who is grieving it is best to be specific as possible. There is a good chance that this person will receive a lot of texts, phone calls, and cards that say things such as:

  • “Let me know if I can do anything for you”
  • “Do you need any help?”
  • “Call me if you need anything”
  • “I am always here for you”

These statements can come off as impersonal or as if you don’t actually want to help them.  They also put the ball in the grieving person’s court and make it their job to ask for help.  Showing up with specific actions can be a better alternative to showing your support.  Try bringing them dinner, calling them first, or going over to their house to help clean.

Avoid Religious Statements 

Religious statements can be another way of sugarcoating a situation.  Even if you know that person shares the same religious beliefs as you it can seem as though you are trying to put a bandaid over a bullet hole.  For example, telling someone “it is all a part of God’s plan” does not change the reality of their suffering and can infer they should be ok with what happened because God will work it out.    Some other statements that should be avoided are:

  • God never gives us more than we can handle
  • It was God’s will or this is what God wanted
  • Telling someone that something good will come out of this situation

It is also important to remember that during situations of grief people can wrestle with their beliefs, so you never know where they stand personally at that moment.

How Do You Help

You are off to a great start by thinking about what they need and avoiding these pitfalls.  So often we are overcome by someone’s sadness and want to stop their suffering.  We do this because we don’t like watching or being a part of that pain.  However, the best way to support them is to meet them where they are.  Meet them in the pain and give them a hug, cry with them, listen and offer specific help to meet their needs.  In the end, the best gift you can give them is your presence of loving them where they are.

If you found this helpful and want to move forward yourself or someone else to heal and explore what your best next steps are then we are here for you.  At New Vision Counseling and Consulting we have a team of therapists trained to walk with you through the pain and help you heal and make sense of what to do next.  You can reach us at (405) 921-7776 or go to our website at NewVisionCounseling.org to learn more about how we can best help you.