What You Should NOT Say to Someone Grieving?

If you are watching someone experience the horrible effects of grief, you might be having a difficult time finding the best ways to support them.  I’m guessing that you feel pressure to say the right words or feel as though you have to give them immediate relief.

Finding the “right words” in these scenarios does not usually come naturally and can be very uncomfortable for most people.  In hopes to best comfort the person grieving in your life,  this blog will go over 4 different areas that should be avoided when speaking to a friend or loved one.

Sugar Coating the Situation

Attempting to have a person look at the bright side of their circumstance is common when trying to comfort them, but doing this can be extremely invalidating to their feelings.  It tells a grieving person that they cannot be upset about their situation because it could be worse. Here are a few statements that should be avoided:

• At least statements
• “It could be worse”
• “Life will go on”
• Reminding them that they have things to be grateful for
• “They are in a better place”

Making it About Yourself

Don’t make it about yourself when talking with someone who is grieving.  Everyone’s situation is unique and nobody grieves the exact same way.  It can be very easy to do this because as humans that’s how we feel most comfortable.  For example if your friend just lost her mother, it could be tempting to say ‘I know how you are feeling because when I lost my grandpa I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks.’

Even though you are trying to relate to their pain, this can come off as a dismissal of what they are going through. Try to keep the conversation about them or the person they have lost.

Giving Vague Support

When trying to support someone who is grieving it is best to be specific as possible. There is a good chance that this person will receive a lot of texts, phone calls, and cards that say things such as:

• “Let me know if I can do anything for you”
• “Do you need any help?”
• “Call me if you need anything”
• “I am always here for you”

These statements can come off as impersonal or as if you don’t actually want to help them.  They also put the ball in the grieving person’s court and make it their job to ask for help.  Showing up with specific actions can be a better alternative to showing your support.  Try bringing them dinner, calling them first, or going over to their house to help clean.

Avoid Religious Statements 

Religious statements can be another way of sugarcoating a situation.  Even if you know that person shares the same religious beliefs as you it can seem as though you are trying to put a bandaid over a bullet hole.  For example, telling someone “it is all a part of God’s plan” does not change the reality of their suffering and can infer they should be ok with what happened because God will work it out.    Some other statements that should be avoided are:

• God never gives us more than we can handle
• It was God’s will or this is what God wanted
• Telling someone that something good will come out of this situation

It is also important to remember that during situations of grief people can wrestle with their beliefs, so you never know where they stand personally at that moment.

How Do You Help

You are off to a great start by thinking about what they need and avoiding these pitfalls.  So often we are overcome by someone’s sadness and want to stop their suffering.  We do this because we don’t like watching or being a part of that pain.  However, the best way to support them is to meet them where they are.  Meet them in the pain and give them a hug, cry with them, listen and offer specific help to meet their needs.  In the end, the best gift you can give them is your presence of loving them where they are.

If you found this helpful and want to move forward yourself or someone else to heal and explore what your best next steps are then we are here for you.  At New Vision Counseling and Consulting we have a team of therapists trained to walk with you through the pain and help you heal and make sense of what to do next.  You can reach us at (405) 921-7776 or go to our website at NewVisionCounseling.org to learn more about how we can best help you.